a word about the A word

mdfrantz,

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We had Augie’s final court date this morning.  We appeared by phone from Oregon to Florida, which was strange and funny but no less real than being there in person.  So.  That’s done.  Though any parent will tell you, the making/getting/having is usually the easy part.  I think it’s no more true than in adoption– especially trans-racial adoption, where you know, it becomes so much more than family business the moment we leave the house.  The process doesn’t end with a court date.

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Adoption was always our first choice.  We didn’t always know what it was going to look like, but we knew it was a good fit for our family.  We read books and talked to people who were raising their families this way.  I spent loads of time wading through forums online.  I had a baby.  Hah.  Then it was sort of "now or never", and so we applied and seven months later on a Friday we got a call that a baby was waiting for us, and could we come as soon as possible?  We met him on that Sunday.  On the plane back from Florida I sat next to a woman who had raised her own family and was completely flummoxed by our situation.  I had this scrawny, little bear in my lap and she started in with the questions– fertility, race, economics, and the dreaded but well-meaning idea of luck.  I knew that they were coming and I gotta say, it was kind of awesome they all came out a well educated, wealthy, white Texan within minutes of leaving our hotel with our sweet boy.  I laughed a lot, did a little bit of sweating, and tried to be as generous as I possibly could.  It was good practice. She said that she had never met anyone like us. Now she has.

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The thing that is most important for me to communicate when people push right now (whether their intentions are good or suspect)– right in this time while he’s still little and doesn’t have a clue– is that adoption is not for everyone but it was for us and it is for so many people.  We are not so out of-the-ordinary and desperate times or circumstances didn’t force our hand.  We did not make this decision out of pity or guilt or after watching a particularly touching television special. He was a healthy baby who’s mom made a really brave choice.  Yes, the fees can be quite high.  No, not all of our family is supportive.  We do not want to be like Brad or Angelina (okay, maybe a little) or Madonna.  There are lots of people in the same boat and even if it is their Plan B or C or whatever, it can be the best plan they ever make.   

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In the end, this day made him ours on paper.  Honestly though, he’s ours but he’s not ours– his family in Florida is a very present part of our lives and we hope to share him in whatever capacity we’re able.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  Can someone be loved by too many people?  I hope not.  We would need an entirely new plan. 

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last two film photos by hannah.

174 Comments

  4. You know we can contiually ask ourselves questions about what could happen, what should happen, etc. but really life is what it is-most of us are just doing the best to make it day by day.
    As a person of color I really admire your family, and your decision to just love. Really you guys are an inspiration, thanks for such an honest and real post (:

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  5. This was an interesting post for me to read, as my husband and I plan to adopt in the midst of having our own children (and we’ve been pretty drawn to trans-racial adoption). Sometimes it’s hard to sort out what our feelings and intentions are and to know whether or not we’re totally prepared for all the public-interest, but I guess you just try to be as gracious with people as you can be while protecting your children. And it’s good to hear from you that not everyone understands, and that’s okay. I’m sure that as parents we’re capable of a lot more than we realize. Cheers!

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  6. This post reminds me of my friend’s family. Casey is the single parent of an adopted child of another race. He is brave and proactive in dealing with the questions that inevitably come. He has also taught Kyle to handle the questions and comments in a gracious and honest manner. As a middle school aged boy dealing with those issues he has been given the gift of a parent who thought this through completely.
    You have made a beautiful life for your family and I am so happy for you. You are so right there is no way to loved by too many.
    Have a wonderful day.

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  8. Your kids are so amazing! I love that first pic- he’s grown so much!
    I love reading your blog. My mother- who is of hispanic descent- was adopted into a large family where two of her sisters are Korean (not blood related to each other), one sister is Dutch, a brother is Irish with flaming red hair, and a “natural” brother who is Scottish. Being born into this family, I never really thought much about it but now I know that I have the coolest family! Everyone I know thinks its cool too. I want to adopt, it just seems so natural for me. I know that people who adopt get asked alot of questions and it can be a tough balancing act to handle gracefully. But I think about my family and how the children of these adopted children who have grown up with the racial differences are equally interested and indifferent about it. We learn so much from each other yet kinda don’t notice at the same time. And it will continue on with our children knowing that this Salad of a family enriches their lives without even fully being aware of it.
    Some of what I’m trying to say is that peers will learn from you and your children and their children etc. etc. The community and knowledge base will just grow over time *hopefully* and that soon- with your help- we will see that the tension in people about this topic is simply a generational thing and it too will evolve.
    Thanks for sharing your family!!

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  10. what a lovely post. congratulations on the last step in this part of the journey. Your family, as others before me have said, is beautiful, and your boys are just adorable together.

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  11. (clapping, cheering…and a bit of sniffling too)
    People don’t always back us up when we make choices that are perfect *for us.* That’s ok. It helps us to find those who totally get it and admire our courage. Three cheers for family, wherever/however we find it. 🙂

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  15. beautifully put…and a big ol congrats to you! as a trans-racial family, i can share in many of the same experiences. it still amazes me everyday what some people will say…or ask…or imply. we live in a small town in the south and, boy, do we get some doozies!
    all my love!
    stephanie

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  16. I love your commentary on this issue.
    My sister was a brave girl way back in 1987 when she gave birth to a daughter at barely the age of 16. She put her babe up for adoption and I don’t think she gets enough admiration for what she did…thank you for seeing this in your son’s birth mother.
    Your thoughts on family is so inspiring and beautiful!

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  17. Your family is beautiful.
    I think its wondeful and gracious of you to educate people like that woman on the plane and others like her who intrude on YOUR life, as complete strangers and ask you to explain yourself.
    Love is love and family is what you make of it and every family has its own unique struggles. The End. At least, in my book.
    Best Wishes to you all!:)

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  18. Your sweet baby was the reason I first started reading your blog. A feeling that I was not alone with our multi-racial family. Congratulations on the finalization.

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  19. Congratulations! I am an adoption social worker in California so I know first hand that your “situation” isn’t unique. Further, I have more than a handful of friends who’ve adopted b/c they wanted and not b/c of fertility issues. That was my original plan as well, but a couple of “oopsies” has led to 2 beautiful, biracial little girls. We get lots of stares too. Fortunately we live in a part of town where this vision isn’t as uncommon as other parts. Smiles and happiness are going your way. Congratulations again.

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  20. Oh I just love that last family portrait with your new little bug at the right. What a wonderful little family you have! Everyone looks amazing, healthy and most importantly happy.

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  21. I have enjoyed reading your blog for quite some time, and was especially pleased and interested to read the news of your impending adoption last year when I myself was in the midst of adopting a baby from Guatemala. My daughter came home in January, and this morning was also our court date for her readoption in Wisconsin. Thanks for sharing, I love reading about other people’s experiences with transracial adoption, and I particularly love seeing pictures of Augie, he is such a cutie!

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  25. This is such an inspiration to me. My husband and I have also had adoption on our hearts and in the plan from the beginning. We have had one biological child already but still want to adopt some day. Thanks for being so open about your experience.

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  26. Your story is very touching! I have always wanted to adopt, but have had my kids since then…your story just brings to light all of my feelings and pushes me into thinking about it all over again. You guys sure make a wonderful family filled with lots of love! Augie is getting very big and he is such a cutie! Thanks again for your blog and sharing your life and beautiful family with the rest of us.

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  28. I was holding my breath for you and today I breathe out and let out a Yea!! Congrats! No one can be loved too much or by too many.

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  30. I so love reading and seeing how your family is doing. I greatly appreciate your post today. Your clarity and honesty are refreshing and empowering.
    My husband and I are just beginning a similar journey. And your words and photos truly resonate. Thanks for being a “public presence” by allowing us to share a little bit of what you’re feeling, doing, going through.
    And congratulations in so many ways!

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  31. You got it exactly right when you said, “Can someone be loved by too many people?” I truly and sincerely hope not. I would not want to live in that world. You brought me to tears with this post, and I am totally not the weepy type! Many many many happy wishes to you and your whole family of however many. 🙂

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  32. What a beautiful beautiful post. 🙂 I’m sitting here with goosebumps as I read through your experiences and outlook on everything.
    Hubby and I are interested in adoption too and have been for ages. We have gone as far as to fill out the paperwork to get our home study (just the beginning of the process I know – but still a step) and then bam – found out we were pregnant with #2.
    I think all that it means for us right now is that God has plans for our future, later on down the line. We have always had a soft spot for teenagers in the system too, and while its not a pity case (very important to note), it really is that my heart is reaching out in love to those older children in need of homes, mirrored by our home, in need of more children.
    Someday we will be crossing those boundaries of adoption too, and I look forward with bated anticipation. Whether our child(ren) wind up being of the same race or not, we don’t care. All that we see is family.
    Many many joys and blessings to you and yours. Congratulations on making things “official” 🙂 – SO happy for you!

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  33. Thank you for sharing this. Adoption has been on my heart since long before I was married or thinking about marriage. It wasn’t the same for my husband, but he is all for it now. When we pass the student stage, we are going in that direction. I was so excited for you when I saw your baby A turn up on your blog. Wishing you all the best!

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  40. what a beautiful post. your younger son is indeed lucky to have two moms who have loved him unselfishly, and more than enough.
    i come from hawaii, where it is increasingly more unusual for a child to have two parents who look alike.. and it is not at all unusual for all the biological children to look significantly different: blonde hair/big blue eyes/fair skin, streaky brown-blonde hair/big brown eyes/brown skin, blonde hair/fair skin/brown and what we call ‘rice eye’ – yes. i realize that last term is a whole nother topic altogether, but you get the picture. and that list describes a couple of families i know..
    and ever been anywhere child-friendly in nyc in the middle of the day? all the kids are being escorted around by nannies of different ethinic backgrounds. aren’t we lucky we don’t have to see the same ol’ color day in and day out?
    good on you! how you handle those questions from ladies in airplanes/grocery store lines/playgrounds will be the blueprint for your kids to follow.
    i loved the earlier post that described the family where each kid it seemed came from a different country of origin…

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  41. Congratulations!
    I am an interracial adoptee. People would assume that my coloring (I’m Asian) came from my fater who has *slightly* darker Eastern European skin.
    What matters is that Augie and Augie’s biological mother needed wonderful loving parents, and it looks like they found them in you guys.

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  47. Dearest Beni: Could I love/adore/admire you and yours any more? Shit no. Congratulations on that beautiful piece of paper. Yours in the GR.

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